Mike is just a kid and apparently hadn’t learned how to manage his feelings appropriately. Like most children when upset, rather than verbally express how he felt, he lashed out physically in defeat.  A loving parent would take the time to explain to their child the proper way to deal with life’s challenges in a less aggressive and destructive way. Patience, repetition, understanding and gentle guidance would ensure the child learns the necessary lessons while feeling loved and valued at the same time. Typical behavior expected of a child, most adults are sympathetic to their plight and patient as they learn and grow.

But at some unspecified age, adults become non tolerant of such outrageous behavior. There is an unspoken expectation that adults should know how to behave properly when upset. Witnessing an adult throwing a hissy fit typically does not evoke compassion in those observing the shocking behavior. Even less obvious behaviors leave the average individual feeling annoyed, upset, angry and repulsed. Like Mike’s mom, they respond by pulling away rather than moving towards.  “Get over it!” and “Deal with it!” only add to the other’s distress as they experience feelings of abandonment, rejection and insignificance.

I will be facing my “Mike” in a few short days. I would be grateful if their bad behavior was limited to kicking over a few wooden blocks but sadly theirs takes hissy fits to a whole new level. I understand this individual is deeply unhappy and may feel hopeless in their current situation as well. Does that condone their bad behavior? Not at all. But when people are hurting, they need understanding; when they are frightened, reassurance; lonely – companionship. The way to neutralize a negative (feeling or behavior) is with the opposite: a positive. At the times they most push us away, we need to move even closer.

I am by nature and choice a compassionate and patient person. But in all honesty, it will take every ounce of my strength and empathy to give this person the love and understanding they so crave, and so rightfully deserve. To walk away in their time of pain only escalates their suffering. I wouldn’t abandon someone who was injured and bleeding. I would address their wound the best I could. Neither can I abandon my injured “Mike”. It’s now he needs my love and support the most. Keep me in your prayers.

Ten years ago, my Uncle John passed away. Although in his eighty’s, it was hard on his son, Johnny. Three months later, Johnny’s only child, his beautiful fourteen year old daughter, was in a car that plunged into an icy Ohio River where she tragically drowned. Her mother, Johnny’s wife of more than twenty years, died from grief a mere eighteen months later. An overwhelming series of tragedies pushed my cousin into a deep depression. There was a noticeable change in his attitude and behavior.  As difficult as he could be at times (angry outbursts, sullenness, isolation from family and friends) everyone understood and offered compassion and support. No one judged him. After all, he had every reason to be distraught and angry. It took years for Johnny to sort things out and be himself again.

Many years ago at the shelter, a ten year old boy named “Tim”, was a participant in the children’s group I facilitated each week. One day, I summoned the children into the resource room for our meeting. Tim defiantly refused to come. I playfully approached him, as I had done many times in the past, coaxing him to join us. He threw himself on the floor shouting “I don’t want to go!” Jokingly, I leaned over him and extended my hands to his. With a clenched fist, Tim swung as hard as he could and delivered a punch to my knee that would have made Joe Frasier proud. I dropped to the floor in agony as a coworker offered assistance. “What’s wrong with you?” she screamed at Tim. “There was no reason for you to hit Miss Janet! You’re in big trouble!”

Although Tim was not always the best behaved child, I knew something was wrong. With a little investigating, I discovered he had been sexually molested at the age of three. Lying prone on the floor with an adult hovering over him most likely triggered a frightening recollection of those horrific events. His reaction most likely was one of self-protection.

We often criticize people for their bad behavior claiming there was “no reason” for them to act in such a manner. Yet behind all behavior is a motive, a reason why we do the things we do. Most often, we are not privy to that information. I may not know why the store clerk was curt with me. Is she going through a personal crisis such as a divorce and dealing with fear and anxiety?  While it is never acceptable to mistreat or disrespect another, there is always a reason why people act badly.

Being sympathetic to Johnny was easy: people understood the reasons behind his outbursts and sullenness. They shared in his grief and cared about him. We all have issues that originate someplace. I may not be privy to that information nor do I need to. Then again, I may know their reasons yet feel they are not valid. But that is not for me to determine.

We need to apply Johnny’s example in our response to others by refraining from judgment and responding with compassion and resolve. Remember, there is always a reason.

It seems like kind of an odd question does it not.  I thought so too until I came to realize just how big of a problem it is right now in corporate America.  It is estimated that 35% of adults have experienced workplace bullying sometime in their career. I suspect you do know a bully and I bet that you have dismissed his/her behavior as them just being them.  Sunshine is the best disinfectant, which is why I think it is important to discuss this issue.

Workplace bullying is far more pervasive than most of us might imagine.  It has many faces and shows up often when we least expect it.  The challenge we have is identifying a workplace bully. We typically do not associate the term bully with the workplace, as it seems more appropriate in the schoolyard or the locker room.  I wish that was the case and it was that easy.  The same behavior that the schoolyard bully exhibited exists in cubes, lunchrooms and parking lots across this country. The damage to ones psyche, self-esteem and overall morale is real and no less significant.  I have experienced first-hand what it feels like to be in the presence of a workplace bully.  In many ways, not that much different from when I was kid but in some ways, more traumatic because of my unwillingness to let anyone else know about my situation.  I felt isolated, alone, peculiar and never felt like I fit in.  Early in my career, with little confidence and fewer resources, I did what many do (with few options) and found another job.  One of the most difficult stages of recovery is the first one: admitting that there is a problem.

Do yourself a favor and stop running, hiding and rationalizing his or her behavior.  You deserve much better and if it is to change then it is incumbent upon you to raise your hand and tell someone.

Others followed:  “do one thing for somebody else each day”; “stand strong and keep faith in the mist of the storm”. We’re off to a great start, I thought. But alas, I spoke too soon. One contributor, “Charlie”, thought differently and made some derogatory remarks.  “While it’s very ‘nice’ to speak kind words or be a good Christian, your idea of legacy is very thin”. She proceeded to “challenge us to make a difference based on real actions” and not “some trite words about God”.

Another responder cautioned her to be careful of criticizing others and stated she raised over $650,000 for charity. Charlie quickly dismissed this as not conforming to the definition of legacy and proceeded to clarify by referencing the dictionary. To that she added “I also raised thousands for charities.” (Meow!) Responder noted she (responder) needed to purchase a copy of Janet Pfeiffer’s The Secret Side of Anger. Charlie viewed this as a sarcastic dig.  This is where me and my big mouth stepped in.

Giving her the benefit of the doubt, I stated that while I did not believe she meant to be offensive, some of her words could have been taken as such. I followed some blah, blah, blah with “Thank you for living your life with passion and purpose. I admit that.” But by now, Charlie was clearly on the defensive and lashed out at everyone who tried to explain the nature of the group and/or smooth things over. She accused the host of “only generating this discussion to gather a congregation”, accused others of bullying her and threw a jab at me for “self-promoting” by mentioning my book. She threatened to withdraw.

Once again, my fingers hit the keypad as I tried in vain to smooth things over by requesting we all respect one another’s beliefs and not make this a battleground of bruised egos, false accusations and digs. To that, she accused me to deliberately trying to provoke anger in others in order to sell more books. (Sigh!) One final suggestion from me, that perhaps this particular discussion was not a good fit for her, only fueled her fire. (Time to let it go, Janet.) But Charlie had other ideas and continued to antagonize the group. I followed the discussion but chose not to engage further. Her final post (I’m never really sure) was riddled with sarcasm “Based on previous experience of you (meaning me) I’m sure you will feel the need to respond so go ahead”.

It was apparent from the get go Charlie was not a happy camper. Defensive, offensive and aggressive, she was actually the bully she accused others of being. (Very sad.) It’s hard for all of us to see the “dark” side of who we are: our problems, issues and offensive behaviors. Being the victim and blaming others is much easier than taking personal responsibility. Observers often feel the need to point out the other’s flaws and errors (but only because we care, right?). However, with their defenses firmly in place, this only exacerbates the situation and further supports their belief that they are being unfairly targeted.

While I believe my motives for intervening were honorable, (but can I really be 100% sure?), I violated one of my own cardinal rules: never argue with a Mr./ Ms Right. They always have to “win”. (Remember Charlie Sheen – WINNING!! Maybe it’s a “Charlie” thing.)

It’s noble to put forth an effort to clarify a concern but when it is not well received, know when to walk away (not easy if we’re functioning in ego – is that where I was??). By now, this discussion, for me, had long overrun its course. Time to move on to more constructive matters and be at peace.

PS: Charlie immediately started her own discussion within this same group addressing the poor treatment she recently endured from “another group”. Apparently she needed validation that she truly was a victim. What she doesn’t realize is that she is victimizing herself through her own insecurities. Say a prayer for her if you can.

Are the employee retaliations preventable?
The employment relationship is more than the exchange of labor for money. Work provides a powerful structure for organizing social and cultural life. During these tough economic times, many companies are increasingly struggling with this problem and to make matters worse, due to extensive layoffs, company closures, employee retaliation claims are soaring. Even though, not every company is experiencing layoffs and yet employee retaliations are on the raise. As many years as i have been speaking on this subject, it became very evident that many organizations and most department heads lack in basic emotional understanding and conflict resolution skills. If they had their way, most organizations rather hire people who do not like to rock the boat, passive and compliant. Can you imagine putting an employment ad asking conformist wanted for a position? Corporations are too busy shuffling warning memos to their employees to assert their dominance and over power employees through fear. May be this was an effective strategy around 19th century however, men and women are becoming progressively more outspoken, assertive and refuse to be treated like a herd of sheep. Instead of adjusting to the changes to make the company and its employees more productive, corporations resist to the changes by maintaining old business mind set not realizing they are constantly setting themselves up for all kinds of unnecessary lawsuits, chaos, and not to mention waste of resources. Weather the complaint is harassment or discrimination, even though the company my win the cases at the end however; they are ultimately the biggest losers. Following are the clear consequences for ill equipped organizations: Legal fees Employee morale Negative work environment mobilizing other departments Needed Additional men power handle paper work Loss of productivity There are proper and very effective steps employers can take to mitigate their risks. Training, training and training; I cannot over emphasize the importance of proper training and providing skills to all the employees to establish effective work place. And yet many companies regularly faced with different retaliations, they continue responding in the same manner. As they say the defilation of insanity doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results Create a retaliation policy Be proactive not retroactive: handle the issue as it happens, do not brush it under the rug, ignore, or manipulate the employee. CEOs Upper management;; Needs to be transparent and should be a great role model to for the rest of the company. They need to be willing to confront their rigidity, old beliefs and the issues of control. Department heads middle management; Need to develop emotional self-management skills as well as s empathy and show compassion for positive work place relationship, Positive corporate culture; Create an environment where employees are allowed to be themselves, they are no longer operating with fear, and they feel respected and needed as an individual. Document; Proper documentation will keep you focused, structured and incase of legal action you are able to show the kind of steps that you took to resolve the problem. Weekly department process meetings; this has nothing to do with employee performance or work agenda. It is platform of being themselves. This is one of the most successful processes any department can implement within the organization with huge outcome. This process allows everyone to get honest and able to express concerns as well as suggestions. Solution oriented organizations and well trained department heads understand the importance of being proactive when it comes to diffusing issues, rather than keep putting out fires.

Dr. Simon Casey Health Care Consultant, Speaker, Author, Therapist.

First,  you must understand that economics is not a science.  Using the classical definition of economics–it is the study of human behavior in its historical setting. In other words–economics is the study of psychology. Once you understand this, the answer to the lead question is simple.  Human wants and desires are unlimited, but the economic means and resources to satisfy these desires are limited at any particular point in time.  This result leads to a state of human agitation and conflict.  The conflict can be expressed on both the personal and societal levels.   You can not eliminate this conflict, but you can reduce it by understanding its nature and human limitations.  After all, mortals are not perfect.

Have you ever noticed when you are angry with another person or your group is angry at another group that all you do is focus on blocking the moves of the other person or group? When this happens you become more determined to make sure that the other person or group does not win rather than finding a solution to the problem. The result is a type of tunnel vision that keeps you narrowly focused on the problem rather than allowing you to have the full 360° field of vision necessary to find a solution.

And guess what?  When this happens, the other person or group becomes more determined to make sure that you or your group does not win as well as block all of your moves.  This results in the escalation of a cycle of conflict which often involves strong emotions.  It is often these emotions that act as a roadblock to our finding a proper solution to the problem. It is at this point that we normally start casting blame on the other person or group involved and as we all know problem solving is not about casting blame but more about accepting responsibility.

In addition to applying proper problem-solving techniques, the first step we need to take is to find a serene place or activity which will allow us to contemplate the problem in peace. In order to solve the problem effectively it is necessary that we separate ourselves from the emotions involved.  It is in this state of mind where we will be able to identify the problem as well as accept responsibility for any part that we may have had in the creation of the problem. We will also be able to remove the blinders which caused us to have tunnel vision and cast blame so that we may now see from the full 360° field of possible solutions.

I have often been asked what one has to do in order to find the serene place or the activity discussed in the previous paragraph.  The answer is as varied as the number of individuals that ask it.  For some it is listening to certain music.  For others it is working in the yard and digging with their hands in the earth.  For still others is some type of repetitive activity such as walking, running or riding a stationary bike.  And for yet others it’s nothing more than sitting in their favorite chair and contemplating their navel.

Now here comes the interesting part.  Once we have identified potential solutions to the problem, we are going to have to get agreement from the other parties involved for their implementation.  And that my friend is a subject for another blog entry.  I hope this helps!

Have I got good news for you!  It doesn’t have to take hours of your time, a psychology degree or even loads of Kleenex to resolve conflict between people.  In fact, it only takes three simple steps, which I developed during the past ten years as a leadership coach. I use these three steps all the time and they’ve never failed to be effective.  I’ve even seen employees drop official grievances after having facilitated discussions using the steps.

Let’s imagine that an employee came to you with a complaint like this: “Annie’s a slacker.  She doesn’t work as hard as I do and always passes her work off to me.  Why can’t she just do her job?!”  That’s what I call blame talk.

As a manager, what can you do with blame talk?  Nothing, except get frustrated, tell your employees to work it out themselves and wish the problems will go away, right?  Not anymore!  By following the three steps below, you can cut through the blame talk and get to the heart of the matter quickly.

NOTE:  You can use these steps to gather information as a mediator, and you also can use them as a guide for helping staff talk directly to each other

Step 1: Observations. The first step is to get your employee to think about the facts.  Ask your employee what exactly they observed: What actions did you see?  What words did you hear?  When/where did this happen?

These questions force us to focus on observations instead of interpretations.  There’s a big difference!  An observation might be: “Annie told me to get files for her.”  A related interpretation is: “Annie’s a slacker.”

Step 2: Impact. Once the facts are clear, it’s important to understand how the complainer’s work was affected.  Ask your employee how they were affected:  How was your work affected?  How was a customer affected?  How did/do you feel about it?

Here’s a big tip!  If the employee was not directly impacted by what they observed, the issue might not be any of their business!  People hate to hear this, but it’s true.  A lot of people monitor their co-workers’ actions for no good reason (a good reason is one that matters to the business).  At the same time, if the issue did affect the work or a customer, that’s something you want to know.

It isn’t necessary for the employee to state how they felt or feel, but it can help.  As soon as someone states how they feel, the energy starts to release and this can prevent resentment from building.  Just be careful not to ask, “How did that make you feel?”  That question is an invitation to blame.  Instead ask, “When that happened, how did you feel?”  The difference between those questions is subtle but powerful.

Step 3: Request. This step is crucial to preventing the same conflict from recurring.  Ask your employee: If you didn’t like what happened, what do you want instead?  If the situation happens again, what actions do you want to see?  What words do you want to hear?

Let’s say your employee who complained about Annie being a slacker went through steps 1 and 2 with Annie.  Let’s say Annie then apologized and they both said they felt better.  Why wouldn’t you end the meeting there and send them on their way?  Because if you did, you would have no reason to expect the same thing wouldn’t happen again.  Step 3 leads to agreements like, “If I need help, I will ask you if you’re available, instead of telling you to get files.”

These three simple steps will save you time, frustration and lost productivity, if you use them.  To start, you can use the steps on yourself.  For example, if you want to give constructive feedback to an employee, follow the three steps and see how much more efficient your meeting is.  Just remember, healthy communication takes practice and lots of it.  Every time you use the three steps to conflict resolution, it’ll be easier.

For more great communication tips, visit my web site at http://www.opennessworks.com

From Annie Barron, Ph.D.