As humans, we are social beings. For most of us, one of the cruelest punishments is total isolation. We need other people to listen to our stories, to share their own, and to mirror and respond to our thoughts and feelings and behaviors. But since we really do need other people, why do so many of us, so much of the time, have the biggest conflicts and the most harrowing difficulties with those people we need the most?
Part of the problem is that we need people, yet we may believe that we should not need anyone. The dream of Marlborough Man, the independent, cool, tough guy, still exists for men and women alike. So, we get into relationships with people we need and then we make every effort to prove to them how much we don't need them. And this happens at work, at home, and in any situation where we spend time and share activities with other people.
We are all social beings - and - we all need to be needed, by someone. Husbands and wives often complain about the drudgery of caring for their "needy" spouses, but are then devastated if that "needy" person dies or leaves them. Added to the mix of this relationship confusion, is the disjointed and mixed messages we have received from our caretakers and others in our developing years.
Self-reflection and self-understanding is essential toward creating successful relationships in any domain of our life. Many of us believe that we have a problem with our intimate partner but that with everyone else our relationships are just fine. But if we really are willing to face the truth, we might just discover that our relationship discomforts happen across the board in many different circumstances. If we do not take the time or make the effort to understand our own thought processes, we can create problems and truly not understand why others respond negatively toward us.
What does it take to build successful relationships? The most important component is caring, really wanting to have a good relationship. Next is self-reflection, really examining your own thought processes, judgements, attitudes, behaviors, personality style and the way you respond when things are not going the way you want. Once you understand your own self, then it becomes essential to evaluate the other person or persons you want to develop a relationship with, to recognize what motivates them, what makes them become defensive and guarded, what helps them to feel safe and welcoming, etc.
If each person takes responsibility for understanding their own self as well treating the other person in a way that helps them to feel understood, valued, accepted and appreciated, then relationship success becomes a natural part of life. Relationships then become a place to relax, to feel good and enjoy shared experiences that make life truly worth living.
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