If you're like me, you carry on a conversation with yourself all day long. It usually goes something like this, "Wow, that was a great point he just made. I wish I were as sharp as he is," or, "She looks so confident! I wish I were that confident."
Most of our self-talk is a reinforcement of a belief that we are not enough. For you, this may show up as not having enough, not knowing enough, not being acknowledged enough. It's important for us to recognize what we're saying about ourselves because our core beliefs will be reflected back to us.
People and circumstances will either confirm or contradict what we believe about ourselves.
Let's take that last point a little further. I coach a manager who is responsible for two very different departments. The staff in one of her departments frequently complains about her, saying she is not available to them, that she does not follow up on their requests and that she is not a competent manager. Surprisingly, the staff in her other department feels exactly the opposite!
How is this possible? Well, during one of our coaching sessions, I learned that this manager has a core belief that she does not do enough. This belief shows up in her home life as well as at work.
Life confirms her belief through the comments and complaints made by the staff in her first department. Even though she is doing her best and she can tick off a list of the actions she has taken on behalf of that department, her efforts are not being recognized or valued.
At the same time, life contradicts her core belief through the comments and compliments given by the staff of her other department. While she appreciates being valued by her staff, she does not fully receive their recognition because she believes they just don't realize that they're getting the short end of the stick (since she spends only 25% of her time with them).
So, this manager is in a catch 22. On the one hand, she has employees who are unhappy and blame her for their unhappiness. She accepts that blame, which makes her feel defeated and incompetent.
On the other hand, she has employees who are happy and praise her for what she does on their behalf. She does not accept the praise, which makes her feel defeated and incompetent.
Is the problem with this manager's employees? No! She may have employees whose attitude or behavior should be addressed, but the source of her problem--and therefore, the solution--is inside of herself.
Together, we are working to challenge her assumptions and change her core belief about herself. That is the best way for this manager to achieve and enjoy lasting success as a leader. As her core belief changes, her confidence will naturally increase and she will be able to lead both of her departments successfully.
If you want to identify one of your core beliefs about yourself, look for patterns in the way people respond to you or in the personalities that show up around you. In my next article, I'll give examples of patterns that have shown up in my life and how I've used them to help me grow as a leader.
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