About a month ago, I moved into an idyllic 1930s cottage right along the river and Missoula’s beautiful river’s edge bike path. I was so happy to be in a house again, especially one with so much charm. What could be wrong with that? Plenty!
The floors creak more than you might imagine, and there is a renter in the basement. During my first few weeks in the house, I felt terrible about walking around in the morning, knowing that my neighbor might be woken up by my movements. While I was doing everything I could think of not to disturb her, she slammed her door every time she went in or out and she blasted her music, even at night when I was trying to rest.
Because I moved from a much larger apartment, I needed space in the little garage that comes with the house. For weeks, I asked my neighbor to move some of her things to make room for me. I said I only needed 5 square feet. She finally gave me less than 3 square feet, but I made do.
Are you starting to see a difference between me and my neighbor? On the surface, it might seem that I am more considerate than she is. That might be so, but if I had invested my energy in criticizing her, blaming her for my discomfort or otherwise focusing on her, I would have given all my power away.
Instead, I wondered what was being reflected to me through her behavior. It occurred to me that my neighbor is very comfortable taking up space, both physically and energetically. She doesn’t apologize for being who she is. When I noticed this, it immediately became clear to me that her ability and willingness to take up space was reflecting back to me my own inability or unwillingness to do the same.
Since you don’t know my personal history, the pattern won’t be clear until I explain that all my life, I’ve tried to make sure that I did not disturb anyone, that I never rocked any boat, and that I did whatever I could to make other people comfortable, even if it compromised my own comfort. Also, as I anticipated my own success, the idea of taking up lots of space (by being energetically “big”) was terrifying; sometimes I felt guilty at the thought of it.
There are two main benefits to recognizing what life reflects to us and learning from it. The first is that we grow. As soon as I “got” this reflection, I decided to experiment with taking up more space. I slammed my door a couple of times; not to disturb my neighbor or to spite her, but simply to see what it would feel like. I have to say, it felt good!
I also decided not to feel guilty for walking around in the morning. This might sound crazy, but for the first few days I had to tell myself that I was not doing anything wrong when I took an extra trip to the kitchen (and over my neighbor’s bedroom) to get more tea. I even noticed that my breathing was very shallow at times. It felt awkward to breathe deeply, taking up more physical space and more oxygen and making more noise. As I gently expanded each breath, I repeated to myself that there is enough space for everyone, including me.
Remember, life reflects our core beliefs about our worthiness and enoughness. In this instance, my belief was that I was not worthy of taking up as much space as others. I could recount many stories of how that belief was formed and reinforced during my life, but it really doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I chose to reclaim my power by looking for the reflection, rather than keeping the focus on my neighbor.
I feel so much better already! Now, I am more relaxed and I realize it’s fun to breathe deeply; it feels good and I treat it as a reminder that I am worthy of being “big.”
The second benefit to recognizing what life reflects to us and learning from it is that once we “get it,” the source of the reflection goes away or becomes much softer. In this case, my neighbor put in her notice and will move out soon. Now, I’m not saying that my epiphany caused her to move, but I can say that every time I have turned toward an irritating situation to look for the reflection, as soon as I figured out what I was to learn from it, the source either went away or softened.
I’ve just given you an example from my personal life, but I have many others from my professional life. And, if you read carefully, you noticed that my former inability to take up space was impacting my willingness to be really successful.
Everything in life is connected; the lessons I learn outside the office always apply inside it (and visa versa).
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